Thursday, 11 August 2011

Piggyback caring & ESA payments

Went to yorkshire on saturday as sister going on holiday and grandma would be home alone. Was too tired to travel up saturday afternoon really as think we went swimming in morning but oh seemed to want me out of way so that they could get on with their plans. i was considering staying saturday and going up sunday if i could get oh to drive me then get train back but ce la vie.

When i got there sis was in a huff because she had not gone to daycare - i never get any thanks for all the things i do do just moans for other stuff - whereas that centre just creates more work. mam wanted to know when she could go buy scratchcards so i had a lay down first whilst they huffed and puffed.

went for little ride sunday but could not build up any enthusiasm was too tired, but ds found whiplast so that was good. went to humber bridge again sunday but was freezing so moved on to hornsea. by the time i got there was exhausted at snapping at everyone - i just don;t have energy to enjoy anything if i drive.

just remembered leo had sleep over then i had massage thats what we did saturday morning.

was so glad to get back monday from hornsea and weather was awful so had panic attack when went through blind spot in ran. everytime i drive i pass an accident it is so distressing.

anyway got awarded esa but found out i would have got £190 but taken off me becasue oh works. what a waste of a year.

went to hydrotherapy yesterday was exhausting and hurt hands holding onto side of pool, the only thing wasn't hurting was right foot. made fibro worse and musles quiversing in pain and over use. hands, hips still hurting. nice to be in own bed, except i just feel in way here or reluctant to tidy up after 2 teenagers who spend half the day in bed being typical teenagers. i just don;t remember being like that or would have been more helpful to adults around me.

don;t know how to ask for help sometimes, oh thinks he might give up work if not worth him working but doe not want to give up to do housework etc. well thats one way of putting it - as well as caring for me it should be to do all the jobs i cant do anymore, if i am not doing housework, he isn;t then who is..................none of us want tol live in a mess but then tye begrudge me going to yorkshire and using energy up there when all i do is lay and watch tv sometimes. but it is mental drain.

Friday, 5 August 2011

how to stop being the carer

well although my sister has support from ss to help me not have to care so much. this seems to create more work and stress than help. i am toying with the idea of getting rid of it and recruiting her another pa myself, but knowing me it will be more trouble.

the stress is so tiring on what little energy i have and ccreates more pain. we are going out today to royal armouries at leeds as i did not want to put this off. but i am feeling tired and drained at the thought of going up to yorkshire again tomorrow. it should be time to look forward to not dread. but even if i did not do anything the lack of sleep and the noise of telly booming out just drains, plus settee has no arm rests so i cannot lie down on it like i do at home so really hurts my back.

yesterday was good we went swimming agian but leo was not in the mod as he wanted his comics. but it was nice just for a short time,

macdonalds, well i cheated and went there for lunch after, saves me the haslle when i ache all over from swimming. got 2 meals and couldn't pick up so asked for a bag, which she got out, saw me struggling so opened it. when i tried to pick one up nearly knocked it over. but she did not offer to help and started to serve next customer., i was so angry/embarraseed that i was made to feel i was in the way and she wanted to get on to next customer. i finally managed to pick them up and left saying "thanks for your helpt, not that i got any!.

as i walked away from till cleaner offered to open door for me then i banged my head getting in car. realised i had forgot straws so had to go back for them. really tired by this point.

when i got home i tried to rest but realised i needed to try and russle up diinner.

well wil lstop now as tired and painful wrists but will update on afternoon fiasco.

Thursday, 4 August 2011

yeah remember i had a blog today - day 2.

so pleased i remembered without seeing my mention on website, so at leaast my brain is relatively clear today.

yesterday went swimming for first time in about a week. was careful and used my float this time to support my back and did not stay in so low - yes learning to pace mysefl as well. it was really nice and cool as weather hot. oopw just realised that wasn't yesterday never mind must have been day before.

yesterday was thinkging about taking leo whilst no2 daughter woke up up decided to have a nice relaxing morning. she finally got up at 2pm so we stopped at macd on way for lunch then headed to derby for the cinema. got a couple of BIGGER size tops from new look, ok i accept i have put on weight and need to go up 2 dress sizes at last and need to stop looking like a bag lady in tracky bottoms and fleeces.

went to cinema and watched captain america it was really good was so stiff after sitting in cinema for 2 hours, the chairs are nice though as they recline so less tiring as i don;t have to sit upright and support my back.
got back at 8ish and took my meds was shattered but nice day,

today i am going to go swimming with leo when i can get myself out of bed. i have at least got myself some cereal and oj which i have not done in months so have made sure i eat something decent for a change as well. i really need to start taking care of myself as i have no appetite and eat quick fix chocolate bars most of the time. making an effort to eat yoghurts and fruit instead of grabbing the chocs, crackers and philadelphia. promised to go at 11am so have another hour to get myself psyched up.

yeah i passed my tribunal, thinks its the good news that has perked me up.

Wednesday, 3 August 2011


I just forgot i had a blog again until looking at fibro site, this is rediculous don;t know i am suppose to keep a diary when i can;'t remember i have one.

well as said i should have gone to my esa tribunal yesterday, but got a call about 10 when i was still in bed saying i had passed and did not have to attend the tribunal yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so we had a nice day took leo swimming, got L & B a macdonalds then spent the afternoon on settee watching terminator/falling asleep as usual.

it is such a relief to feel someone believes me at last, now i only have dla to battle and don;t feel like i have to look over my shoulder all the time. what little energy i have sometimes i can use it to improve my health and give some support to my family.

me and leo stayed at grandma's for 2 nights this weekend so that although i drove up i had a days rest in between. i am still not enjoying driving. everythime i am on the road there was an accident ont he motorway on the way there and on the way back. and my attention is terrible it takes me a bit to get in the zone driving again so things seem to suddently spring up on me like cars passing or a walll suddentlyapppears to my side and startles me.

anyway we played cards and watched lots of junk 70;s telly, leo loved only fools and horses.
got back monday and fell asleep during sommething else. it is still important to have "familly time" with the kids especially the older ones even if it is just sitting on the settee watching telly.

at one time we woul dhave been jumping in the car everyweekend going to national trust properties or black rock, cromford canal etc but now my only outing is occasionaly to a supermarket or cinema or swimming.

the rest of my day after this exertion is then spent on the settee/bed recovering as i am absolutely exhausted aftwards.

my back has finally eased up but if i move in a certain direction i get the twinge so i know where the week spot is.

our new freezer has been useful and we have stocked up on pizzas, garlic bread and potatoe wedges instead of all the lovely home cooked meals we uses to enjoy, or should i say some of us did but would have to have a couple of different ones going on each time. anyway that is too much hassle so we have resorted back to ready meals again. ce la vie!!!!

massage been cancelled today so finding it difficult to get out of bed, may just fall asleep again but after busy few days i will reserve my energy ready for another cheap cinema trip.

anyway a weight has been lifted off my mind, hope others can feel this relief soon.