Thursday, 28 July 2011

crawling on hands and knees.

have spent the last week on the settee. no change there.

went swimming and did not use my sausage to support the back so it was really weak, then i bent down to pick up a cup of tea and couldn't straighten back up. had to get down on hands and knees to crawl to loo and back.

saved by jade's freiens box set of the tudors, now on number 7 or 8. can't remember. have been downing the codeine so made me sleepy all the time so back to afternoon sleeps and watching telly on iplayer in bed. too tired or in painful to do anything.

hate it when i am like this, feel guilty that leo does not get the input he should from me as that wasw the point of taking him out of school. we are living on rubbish back to chocolate bars and cracker diet as cannot get up to make anything to eat. if i continue like this we will have to send him back to school just because i an not up to looking after him in daytime. all he does is watch dr who on iplayer on his laptop. he is happy it is me that feels guilty.

got the date for my esa tribunal, i am so scared. do they reallly think i would have spent the last year not earning anything if i could have gone back to work. instead seb has been fighting dla, esa, tax credits etc, etc,

i don;t think i will sleep much now this next week worrying about esa. i am sure i gave her lots of examples but she did not elaborate on what i had said. i feel like i am holding my breath and waiting for it to be over, but what then if i fail will they fail my dla appeal as well. that is what i am scared of.

i feel a prisoner in this house i cant get out and i do not want this illness - i want to be nursing, but no matte rhow many times i tell myself to pull myself togetrher i mgiht go swimming or do cookign then i am in bed again for next week. what else can i do as a job. i don;t know.
stayed in yorkshire for a night me and leo had a lovely time, played cards, it was nice to see him getting lots of attention from granny.

i am a burden to my family they are fed up of my illness i am sure, i don;t think the kids want friends round with me sprawled on the settee all the time. don;t want to go any further i will keep it to myself for now as i don;t want to think about it.

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