crawling on hands and knees.

have spent the last week on the settee. no change there.

went swimming and did not use my sausage to support the back so it was really weak, then i bent down to pick up a cup of tea and couldn't straighten back up. had to get down on hands and knees to crawl to loo and back.

saved by jade's freiens box set of the tudors, now on number 7 or 8. can't remember. have been downing the codeine so made me sleepy all the time so back to afternoon sleeps and watching telly on iplayer in bed. too tired or in painful to do anything.

hate it when i am like this, feel guilty that leo does not get the input he should from me as that wasw the point of taking him out of school. we are living on rubbish back to chocolate bars and cracker diet as cannot get up to make anything to eat. if i continue like this we will have to send him back to school just because i an not up to looking after him in daytime. all he does is watch dr who on iplayer on his laptop. he is happy it is me that feels guilty.

got the date for my esa tribunal, i am so scared. do they reallly think i would have spent the last year not earning anything if i could have gone back to work. instead seb has been fighting dla, esa, tax credits etc, etc,

i don;t think i will sleep much now this next week worrying about esa. i am sure i gave her lots of examples but she did not elaborate on what i had said. i feel like i am holding my breath and waiting for it to be over, but what then if i fail will they fail my dla appeal as well. that is what i am scared of.

i feel a prisoner in this house i cant get out and i do not want this illness - i want to be nursing, but no matte rhow many times i tell myself to pull myself togetrher i mgiht go swimming or do cookign then i am in bed again for next week. what else can i do as a job. i don;t know.
stayed in yorkshire for a night me and leo had a lovely time, played cards, it was nice to see him getting lots of attention from granny.

i am a burden to my family they are fed up of my illness i am sure, i don;t think the kids want friends round with me sprawled on the settee all the time. don;t want to go any further i will keep it to myself for now as i don;t want to think about it.

weekend update - forgot i had a blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well good old fibro fog has struck again - i forgot that i had started a blog until i started reading a forum just now.

sunday

well today we had a lovely day - didn't wake up until about 10 am had a slow start with breaky then was finally ready to go swimming about 11 am.

Felt tired already adn had to resist the urge not to go - especially when seb said he would nip in the gym first and come in later - eek!

Had woken abit in nigfht and did n't fall asleep until about 12 as forgot to take sleeping pills until i went to be at 10pm and they take 2/3 hours to kick in.l

Me and Leo had a lovely time in the pool, he did lots of swimming and i just kicked around abit today and didn;t swim down to deep end.

Seb didn;t come in until after 12 and i was starting to feel really tired but decided to make effort and go in the jacuzzi and steam room.

Came back and was exhausted layed on settee and watched tv with brenna - got myself a couple of ryvitas as seb had to go get jade and was too tired to bothers. Fell asleep and woke up at 5pm.

Had dinner seb had made and continued to feel drowsy so watched tv again all evening.

Went to bed at 10pm as had a headache all evening felt like a tired one but had slept for 2 hours during afternoon.

Saturday

Woke up about 10am got up and went swimming. Seb came in pool today so was able to swim a couple of lengths down to deep end. Swam up and down withe Leo doing some widths and alternated on front/back etc to work different muscles. The hot shower was lovely on my back after.

Tired when we got back so chilled on settee watching tour de france. tOOK Jade to matlocck as seb was feeling off it after his night out last night. resisted urge to look in superdrug as was too tired.

We had pasta for dinner and felt abit better after dinner so went in garden. decided to do some gardening for 1st time in months. trimmed some branches off tree in back garden, alternated sitting in chair doing lower ones and standing doing those at arm level.

went in at 8pm and watched casualty - forgot to take sleeping tablets until went to bed at 10pm.